


Look Me In the Eye and Pretend

by EverShadow



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 02:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/568004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverShadow/pseuds/EverShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being open scares Hope and Kelley's not sure she can handle it anymore. (Takes place when Kelley was Hope's roommate).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

His lips were nothing like Kelley's. They did not taste like peppermint, and they scratched her cheek when he brushed them against her. She couldn't remember why she'd kissed him in the first place, only that her eyes were open when she leaned in, and Kelley O'Hara walked in the door just as their lips met. There were moments in Hope's life that she would never forget: amazing saves, her first love, the first time she stepped onto the field to play in a real USA international match. But the look on Kelley's face when she saw them kissing was one that would remain burned into her memory, no matter how hard she tried to forget, no matter how many bottles of alcohol she drowned herself in. When she locked her gaze onto Kelley's even as the bartender's tongue begged access to her mouth, she did not break it. Eyes were the window to the soul, and Hope Solo watched Kelley's heart break through her light, amber, innocent eyes. She took one step into the bar, as if not daring to believe the sight in front of her, and then ran out. Hope broke the kiss, pushed the bartender away and gave chase.

Kelley stopped in midstep when she heard Solo call her name. She whirled around and it was the first time Hope saw her cry outside of a game.

"Why?" She asked.

"I don't know." Hope replied with a shrug more casual than she meant.

“I have been in love with you since the first day you asked me to be your roommate, when you hung that poster of me in the bedroom and said it was your favorite thing in the world. I can’t do this, ok? I’m not like…like Wambach and Sarah. I want us to be in love, ok, and tell the whole world. I want to sit an an open air cafe when we’re there for a game and I want to hold your hand have everyone see. You stood up for me when everyone else thought I was just a nobody, a sub who caught an easy break because of an injury.” 

Hope closed the gap between them and kissed her before she could break her heart anymore. Kelley was wearing the peppermint chapstick again, and this time, those lips felt right. Tears ran down her cheeks and spilled onto Kelley’s. When was Kelley so short, so lithe? When did she seem so small and vulnerable? Kelley let out a small, choked sob and pulled away as far as she could and Hope, for all her muscle, her strength, and reaction, could not hold onto her. She reached out and grabbed at air but Kelley was already halfway down the street with speed that Hope could not fathom to match.

When Hope got back to the room, she opened the door and prayed that Kelley would be there. But the room was dark and empty, the bed still in the disarray that they had left it. Hope stared at the rumpled sheets, the discarded clothes and wondered how something could have gone so bad in such a short time. Just a few hours ago, she was playfully poking Kelley’s bare stomach, watching her writhe away shrieking. The defender may not have had weak spots on the field, but stripped from her clothing, with her innocence shining in her eyes, she had many - both physical and emotional.

She let the door close and let the darkness overtake her in the room. She trudged towards the bed and lay down, wrapping herself in the sheets until all she could see was black and all she could smell was the Dove shampoo that Kelley. She was in her thirties, well traveled and more experienced than 90% of the team, but breaking Kelley O’Hara’s heart made her feel like she was 17 and doing it for the first time. She counted on one hand the number of times she had casually thrown out “I love you” and thought that there might not be a number large enough for the times Kelley said it and meant it. And despite herself, despite the fact that she had intended to end it, a sentence leaked out into the empty room. “Come back. I miss you.” The words hung in the air, ringing with their truth and Hope whispered it over and over, repeating like a mantra that would make the door open and the light pour in again.

She must have dozed off for an hour because when she awoke to soft knocking, it was well past 1:00. Her heart leapt in spite of herself and she flung the covers off to answer. If she had been more coherent, she might’ve known it wasn’t going to be Kelley, it was their room after all. But she was still half asleep, still half dreaming of the way Kelley’s lips grazed her ear every morning to murmur a gentle “wake up, Hope.” When she swung the door open, an angry Lauren Cheney shoved her back a few steps.

“Your mess, you deal with it.” Lauren hissed, jerking her thumb back towards her own room. Lauren was never, ever mad. To get her this riled up, well, Hope didn’t need an explanation. Every thought she had was of Kelley. Lauren could’ve mentioned and ice cream and she would’ve thought ice cream was a metaphor for her.

“Is she ok?” Hope’s voice squeaked and she cleared her throat. Lauren shook her head.

“I don’t know what kind of fight you two got into, but I don’t want to deal with it. She’s been crying for the past hour and I’m tired.” And there it was, the problem, standing right in front of her. No one knew what the problem was, no one knew that it stemmed from something so wonderful and bizzare, that Hope Solo, who could have anyone in the world would choose to spend her nights at the training center with a wet-behind-the-ears new comer who had more freckles than Abby Wambach had goals, and a smile that made Hope feel safe on and off field.

“I’ll take care of it.” She said, brushing past Lauren. The door was only fifty feet away, but Hope took a few steps and stopped, wondering what she was going to say. She continued at her slow pace until she was ten feet away and she heard sobs that seemed to shake the very ground she stood on. She wanted nothing more than to break down the door, with her bad shoulder if needed, and fold Kelley into her embrace until there were no more tears. Instead, she hovered outside the door of Lauren's room until Lauren, fed up and grouchy from her lack of sleep, opened the door.

“Kelley.” Lauren's voice was urgent but gentle, something Hope wished she could manage, cut through the crying. “Hope’s here.” Hope felt the blood in her veins run cold and she shifted from one foot to the other, as restless as she was before a game. It was her red, puffy eyes that broke Hope’s heart. These were not tears of joy after they had won a hard fought game, these were the tear swelled eyes of a girl who had given her everything and had nothing left in return.

“Hey.” Hope offered weakly.

“Sorry for taking up your time, Lauren, I’m going to A-Rod’s.” Kelley walked forward and let the door close as a sleepy “g’night, Hara” followed her out. This time Hope grabbed her arm and did not loosen her grip.

“Let me go.” Kelley said, trying to break away.

“I’m sorry.” Hope said.

“For what? We both knew we had an expiration date.” Her voice was no longer pained, rather, her tone sought to hurt Hope as much as possible. Expiration date? Hope thought to herself angrily. Like a goddamn rotten apple?

“No, we don’t.” Hope hissed.

“Then why? Why the hell did you kiss that stupid bartender and pretend it meant more to you than this whole month we’ve spent together?” Kelley roared. Her voice rang in Hope’s ears and she winced at the words.

“Because that’s who I am, ok? I’m not…I’m not willing to be out like you. I’m not going to sit at some bar in Europe and feed you dessert and kiss you under the Eiffel tower. I can’t.” Kelley’s eyes watered again and she tried to pull her arm back.

“Let me go Hope.”

“I can’t.” Hope replied. “Because even if I can’t do that, I want to be selfish and keep you here.” She offered a faint smile and thought back to the first really cheesy romantic thing she’d said to Kelley. “I’m a goal keeper, remember? And you’re my goal.” Her heart dropped when Kelley bit her lip and looked away rather than grin like she usually did. “Kelley…”

“I deserve someone who will look the camera in the eye and say ‘I love Kelley O’Hara.’ I deserve someone who loves me like that. I would do that for you, Hope. And it just fucking hurts that you wouldn’t for me.” Hope’s grip loosened and Kelley yanked her arm away finally.

“I do love you.” She said but her voice faltered on ‘love’. Kelley laughed despite herself as fresh tears sprung to her eyes.

“Forget it. I’m crashing at A-Rod’s.” She hesitated a moment, giving Hope one last chance to stop her. But Hope did not know what to do or say to make her believe that she too was in love with her. She had been since the day Kelley’s mother told her how much she had sulked when she couldn’t get her hands on Solo’s jersey because they were all sold out after they’d won the gold in 2008. Or the last blurb in Kelley’s journal that read “one day, I’m going to play in front of the likes of Hope Solo, and show her what my generation is made of.”

And she had, thought Hope. Her generation was more than anyone could’ve hoped for as the upcoming soccer pros. And Kelley…Kelley was more than just a number hovering in front of her, protecting her from attackers. She was the arms around her as they vegged out on the couch while everyone else went out to drink. She was the kiss at night that let her sleep comfortably. She was the hero who returned from a grocery run with a cupcake from the best bakery in the world.

And fuck, she’d just lost all of that.


	2. Chapter 2

The room was still pitch black when Kelley awoke, eyes swollen and still half dreaming of Hope. She rolled over, her back a mess of tense and sore muscles. Hope was not next to her, and a sharp snore alerted her to A-Rod's presence in the bed next to her. She pushed herself off of the floor and the night previous reconstructed itself in her head. Immediately she had to wipe fresh years from her face. She had not expected it to hurt so much. But then again, she had not expected any of it to happen.

Hope Solo was never supposed to find her passed out on top of her journal, in the middle of writing about her admiration and infatuation with the goalkeeper.  She was supposed to brush it off, say it was cute, and put that to rest. She wasn't supposed to roll onto her side later that night and ask if Kelley wanted to sleep with her. And when Kelley joined her, in all her naïveté expecting only to sleep in the same bed as Hope Solo, she did not anticipate that Hope would roll on top and kiss her. Hope was supposed to laugh at the panicked look in Kelley's eyes, realize how inexperienced she was and stop. Instead, she brushed Kelley's hair away from her face and said "Let me show you."

On the desk nearest to the door, a bright green light pulsed repeatedly and Kelley walked over to pick up her persistent phone. She had no fewer than 11 missed calls from Hope and just as many messages. They began with apologies, with requests to come back to the room, and every other one "I miss you." The last one had been sent just fifteen minutes ago judging by the 4:12 time stamp. It simply said "Come to the field, please." For a moment, Kelley considered going back to her spot on the floor, curling up and hopelessly trying to go back to the sleep even though she knew she wouldn't. But there was something about that last text that sounded, dare she say it, desperate. Desperation was not something Kelley had ever seen in the goalkeeper except when her eyes burned with hunger as Kelley utilized all the tricks Hope taught her, including pulling away just at the right moment to prolong the moment and savor the sound of her begging for _Kelley, Kelley, Kelley._

An ache set in when she thought of it. She wanted to see Hope, even though the logical part of her told her that the goalkeeper would never be what she wanted, and that it was best to break away cleanly. She was never one to listen to reason. Her jacket hung off of A-Rod's bed, tangled in the sheets. It was simply too much effort to get it free and so she left the building, shivering and dressed in the same clothes from the night previous.

The field was empty when she arrived. Mist covered the turf and whisps of fog breezed across the stands. She blew on her hands to warm them, thinking that maybe the tunnel was not the best place to stand. Her eyes scanned the field for any sign of her roommate. Her eyes caught movement on the far side, and she squinted through the dark. Hope wandered restlessly from one side of the goal to the other, sometimes shuffling, sometimes sprinting around the box. It was her pregame "get rid of nerves" ritual that Kelley knew so well. Instinctively, Kelley pulled her arms to her chest, as if shielding herself from a fast flying ball. Just seeing Hope made everything hurt again. She contemplated turning around, going back, and letting Hope stay out here for who knew how long. But Kelley O'Hara was not that kind of person.

She stepped out onto the field, as she had done countless times. Missing were the smiles of her teammates, the jokes, the excitement, and the gloved hand on her back that let her know she was playing in front of the best goalkeeper in the world. She turned her head as if Hope was actually there and imagined Hope's smile that made her believe maybe, just maybe what they had between them wasn't just temporary.

Kelley stepped on the field and Hope's head snapped, as if she could hear her. Kelley never knew how Hope could see and hear everything. She wondered if being a goalkeeper trained you to have senses like a wild animal, Hope certainly had the air of one. She made her way over as slowly as possible, mentally preparing herself for whatever Hope was going to say.

"Hey." Hope raised a hand to greet her. Kelley said nothing in response. "I'm glad you got my text."

"Hope..."

"Just give me a moment, OK?" Hope walked behind the goal and grabbed a dark bag from near the wall. She rummaged around until she fished out a small camcorder. When she turned it on in Kelley's direction, the defender ducked away.

"What are you doing?" Kelley demanded. Anger bubbled up in her throat, threatening to spill out in the form of words she could never take back. Was Hope recording their breakup? Hope turned the camera on herself.

"It's a cold morning here on the pitch, but a promising morning for two of the USWNT. Big shout out to the fans who showed up this morning." She turned the camera to the stands and Kelley followed with her gaze. Sitting in at least a dozen rows were small stuffed animals. Kelley watched as Hope swung the camera around again, and she held an invisible microphone to her mouth. Her voice dropped as she imitated a reporter.

"Here we are with superstar Hope Solo. Hope, what are your feelings for this morning?" Her voice shifted again and Kelley's eyebrows furrowed, not keeping up with what Hope was doing. "Well, I feel pretty good. Pretty confident that I'm  going to do what needs to be done. But, um, there's something I need to say first. I want to tell the fans here, and actually, all the viewers out there..." Her eyes flitted to where Kelley stood. A slow, shocking realization dawned on her face when she figured out just what Hope was doing.

"I love Kelley O'Hara." Hope stared straight into the handheld camera and then turned to the stand filled with stuffed animals. "I love this girl right here everyone!" The stuffed animals stared back with neither glee nor objection. Hope's declaration echoed in the stadium and Kelley, even through all her hurt, could not help but laugh. When Hope heard that laugh, she turned and her eyes were brighter than Kelley had ever seen.

"You are so stupid." Kelley said. A smile formed on Hope's lips.

"Dude, do you know how far I had to go to find a 24 hour Walmart for our 'fans'?" She asked. She took a step towards Kelley. The smile faded. "Kelley, I can't...I can't be out like you want me to be. This may be the biggest audience that ever hears that I love you. But don't think for a minute that it means I don't care for you."

"I know." Kelley stuffed her hands into her pockets.

"But I don't want to lose you. Not now." Hope held out her hand. Kelley hesitated. It nowhere near what she asked for- a couple of chairs filled with stuffed animals was not a crowd of roaring fans. A hand held camera was not a news team and Hope’s declaration of love was not public. There was so much that she wanted, that Hope might never be able to give her.

“Hope...I can’t...” She whispered. Hope closed the gap and kissed her, ignoring her rejection. Her lips were dry and her hands coarse. But kissing Hope Solo was the only thing besides soccer that Kelley knew how to do well. She brought her hands up to cup the taller girl’s face and their tongues brushed against each other, soft at first, and then urgently. Hope’s hand found the belt loops on Kelley’s jeans and pulled her in so that their hips touched. When they broke apart, Kelley found herself breathless, like she could not function unless she was kissing her.

“Say yes for now.” Hope begged, staring into her eyes. Behind her, the sky began to lighten, bringing with it a new day of long practices and restless nights and for Kelley, an undeniable addiction to all 5’9, 152 lbs of her. She bit her lip and nodded, leaning forward so that they could be kissing again. Hope only happily obliged and Kelley could feel her grin in the kiss. It was, at once, everything and nothing she wanted.

But it was a paradox she could endure just a little longer.


End file.
